What We Talked About

Thinking about my women's support group

First, let me explain the women's support group and how I got there.  Several years ago I went through a cancer ordeal and really needed some psychological support. I had a feeling that I needed to see a therapist nearby. I looked in the Catalyst magazine (as I recall) and saw an ad for the Center for Transpersonal Therapy, which was in walking distance of my home at the time. I got a big intuitive hit when I saw that ad and a strong hinty hit towards Sherry Zemlick particularly. I am so glad I followed that direction. I spent several months seeing Sherry on a weekly, then a semi-weekly, then a monthly basis. Eventually Sherry indicated that perhaps I had done what I needed in individual therapy for now and a group might better meet my needs. She told me about a group that met at the center which she facilitated with another therapist, Lynda Steele.  Sherry explained that the group had started out as a therapy group but was now more like a support group. She told me that the women in the group supported each other in leading more conscious lives. I really liked the sound of that and started attending the following month. I have been attending actively since then.

We talk about everything in group - our families, our work, our internal and external struggles, our dreams. I have grown very close to each woman in the group - they all feel like soul sisters to me. The group held me and grieved with me when I found out Mom had pancreatic cancer, and they grieved with me again when she passed away. They have also kindly yet relentlessly held up a mirror to me, so I can see me should-ing all over myself, so I can see the ways I tell myself a story and convince myself that the story is reality, invited me to meet the archetypal selves who occasionally override my better judgement. I have been deeply blessed to be a part of this group and my life is much better for being with these wise women month after month, year after year.

For May's meeting I brought an issue that has been troubling me lately - my tendency to get teary-eyed on my way to work and sometimes in the middle of the work day. I'm not quite sure where the tears come from and I wanted to get some insight from my friends.

L asked me who had died? Was there part of me related to work that has moved on? As I thought about it, I could clearly see that the me who was quite attached to being the best and to doing everything right the first time has slipped by the wayside. Anxiety girl, you might call her. Desperate to do everything right, even perfectly, for fear that if she does not everyone will leave her girl might be another name for her, but that's a bit of a mouthful. As I have thought about L's question this late week I feel I am grieving for her-not that she has moved on, but that she was so sad and terrified and lonely while she was here.

S asked me if I was sad. So a simple, hard question. I realized that I am sad, a bit, because I feel like I might be moving on, and I really, really like where I am. S asked me if I felt like I had to move on or if I wanted to move on, and I replied that it was simply something that "is" - more like an intuitive hit than a desire, in that the sense that the feeling is nothing personal. A hit I don't like, I might add, so that could easily be the source of tears. As I have thought about it more since group, I am thinking maybe I do want to do something different, and I am projecting that desire into the intuitive sense of what is. Or perhaps I am simply feeling a need to do something in the world that is more me than being a lawyer or a teacher - and this blog seems to be a part of that.

I feel that my soul is reaching out for more - that I've had a nice time to rest and be in the midst of my home/family/job for awhile now and it's time to branch out. But, really, I like being just here. Here fits. But time keeps on slipping, doesn't it? Things keep on changing, whether you think you are ready for the changes or not, some changes just are to b. So "what is" may be my soul longing to stretch more into the world, professionally perhaps. Maybe I need to seek a more challenging position, or perhaps I need to just keep writing. My soul does not mind being a lawyer - I have a deep sense of justice and my job expresses that nicely - but part of me was born to be something else. A leader, maybe? A seer? I'm not really sure.

What I am sure about is that everything in life is a preparation for the next stage - whether that be in waking reality or the next land. And perhaps my tears are my way of saying goodbye to the stage I have been in.

Or it could simply be that I deal with a lot of sad stories in my professional life, witnessing many people in hard times, and my soul simply must express the compassion, or perhaps pity, I feel when I encounter those stories. L pointed out the judgements I have about crying in public, my distorted views of what it means to be professional.  And we all talked quite a bit about all those expectations we decree upon ourselves - the ways we try to force our essence into a pre-approved pattern. And that discussion was quite healing. So, whatever it is that is making me teary-eyed, I am feeling much better about crying, even in public. And that's why I go to group. :)